A lonely new year | Personal Journal #3

Here I am! On my bed, looking at the things in my room. Even the lifeless things in my room(fan, clock, mirror etc) seems to have life. While I, who is breathing, is lying on bed lifelessly. What an irony!
I blame my friend circle for my current condition. My friend circle is shrinking day-by-day(as if missing my college friends isn’t enough). Everyone is flying away, looking for new opportunities. I am already missing Nikhil, one of my best friend/neighbour, who went to Australia on 1st Jan for higher studies(what a perfect day to say goodbye!).  Ah, I tried my best to dissuade him from going to Australia but he wasn’t giving enough seriousness to my “Australia is full of tsunamis, karate-kicking kangaroos, active volcanos, poisonous snakes” threats.  Two more friends are waiting for their visa to get approved(God these IELTS coaching centres should be banned). Anyway, I am truly happy for them and I will miss them a lot(What else can I do). Let them sail towards new lands for success, while I tearfully look at them vanishing from the horizon.

This year has arrived with a warning-“brace yourselves for more lonely days.” Such lonely days make me realise why people don’t quit their job. Such lonely days make me realise why people are dying to enter and maintain a relationship. Unfortunately, I can’t try any of those because of my overthinking. When I really want to find a job or a relationship, a part of my mind stops me. It says -“hey Unni, the grass is greener on the other side.”
What the pessimist fragment of my mind wants to say is clear. Everything has a side effect. Job and relationships are good to keep loneliness at bay. But they also bring brand new problems. At that time, I would be longing to live the life which I am living right now. So there is no win-win situation for an ‘overthinker’. Either sacrifice free-time to get rid of loneliness(by doing office work or getting in a relationship) or have the infinite free-time(which I have right now) by embracing the loneliness. This dilemma will definitely haunt me for a long time.

It is a new year and in the first month itself I should be full of energy and I should have some inspiring resolutions. Like others, I should also be bragging about new year resolutions. But I am in no good mood to make great resolutions. Nevertheless, I have made two simple resolutions this year,

  • Read at least 18 books (easy-peasy, already finished reading a book (Metamorphosis by Kafka))
  • Get 6pack abs without hitting the gym (now this is challenging for a lazy introvert)

I hope chasing my resolutions will make me less lonely in the coming days.