This is my journey from an atheist to a theist.
I was born in a secular family. A secular family, in my case, is a family that believes in God but never imposes religious views on anyone. A true Indian family! When a person is born in a religious family, that person is labeled as a member of that particular religion. There is no other choice for that person until it reaches a certain age. But my parents didn’t label me and they thought – “let him choose his path”. I never have to visit any church or temple or any other religious place of worship. I felt lucky as I could watch cartoons on Sundays while my friends were yawning at church during Sunday school. My school days were magical because I, atheist and an occasional visitor to the school, got good grades than my friends who pray- “ooh God, please give me good marks.” My sense of pride went sky-high and I felt my success was unstoppable.Neither there was space for God in my room, filled with comic books and gaming consoles, nor in my heart. Life was going fine. No god, no problems.
Failure: an uninvited guest
I joined for computer science engineering in the year 2010 despite my full marks in botany. It didn’t take a lot of time for me to realize that I chose the wrong course. I realized that life wasn’t going “sugar and spice everything nice”. Grades went down. The future that was once clear and bright became blurred and dark. To add insult to injury, one-way crush/love seemed hopeless. Finding a true love became hopeless than “Finding Nemo”. I had been spending 4 years at college and what I earned? Nothing! The outdated syllabus is as useful as a blind guide dog. On the last day of my college life, in the evening, I waved goodbye with empty hands — no certificate, no holding hand of a beautiful girl.
With my out-of-syllabus knowledge, I got a job at a startup IT company. Coding and dealing with clients, life is back on track. The transition from a college failure to an IT professional, I had money and with money, I bought things that I had wished to gift for my parents, friends and for myself. After a year, I found my life was missing something — “Peace”. Lack of proper sleep affected my mind and body. I was like a robot doing work all day and night to submit my work before the deadline. After thinking a lot, I decided to resign. I finished all pending works and I resigned on Feb 29th,2016 (Feb 29, what a perfect day to resign!). Then I started a company but failed miserably. Failure, the uninvited guest, became my constant companion.
Arts: The turning point
Jobless and hopeless, I live in my room all day and night. This is when the artist in me, that was dead, resurrected. The separation between conscious and subconscious mind became thin, and I see a lot of ideas manifesting into painting. Mind became a canvas. All my paintings are pessimistic and topics like death, disease, heartbreak are my favorite. Spending 7-8 hours on a painting make me engaged. Day by day, I become more pessimist, and nightmares of the death of my loved ones haunt me. What will happen to me when they are gone? I have no answer.
As I browsed the internet for some topics for painting, I saw words like karma, destiny etc. I searched more and this is how I got a chance to read few stories from Mahabharata, Ramayana, Buddhist teachings etc. Questions like :
“Why someone is born into a rich family while someone else is born in a poor miserable family?”
“Why I am born as a human and not as a bird or an animal, Why I chose this life?” , got answers from such stories and teachings, that my atheist mind couldn’t find from Science. I never got peace after watching videos about science — black hole, dark matter, quantum physics(super weird). If you know more about science, you will understand that it is limited and hasn’t reached a level that explains the most fundamental level of existence. Science has more proof that what we see is not reality — Quantum physics and holographic principle points to that direction. Cool gadgets and high-speed internet cannot offer peace and happiness. So what fills the big void that I have in my life? The answer is Arts and Spirituality. Even on the verge of depression, spiritual books and arts saved me from total self-destruction.
Renouncing the existence of a divine intelligence(God) is a trend nowadays. This helps them to gather attraction and sound smart. But for me, a person who renounces the existence of something beyond understanding is like a blind man rejecting the existence of light. An atheist is someone who travels on a never-ending hopeless path. I laugh when I see Facebook, WhatsApp status of friends, who post pictures and prayers of God because soon their exam results will be published. I am against this “sudden love for god”. Nobody is a true believer when he/she seeks the presence of God only in time of an emergency. A person who accepts fate, who accepts both success and failure, is a true believer.Every religion points to one direction – towards God. It doesn’t matter if God is real or unreal because believing in God gives me profound peace. It doesn’t matter if I fail or someone leaves me because I believe in someone who is always with me. Now I can sleep early as I have peace. I found my path and my journey has just started. I hope you found yours.